Aug 8, 2007 2:13pm
Lots of bad jokes, don't read if you will be offended
A man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter."
"Is your little girl sexually active?" asks the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there like her mother."
What's the best thing about having sex with 29-year olds?
There's 20 of them.
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota,
a fire started inside the local chemical plant and
in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The
alarm went out to all the fire departments from
miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters
appeared on the scene, the chemical company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of
our secret formulas are in the vault in the center
of the plant. They must be saved and I will give
$50,000 to the fire department that brings them out
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as
the situation became desperate. As the firemen
arrived, the president shouted out that the offer
was now $100,000 to the fire department who could
bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as
another fire truck came into sight. It was the
nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire
company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age
of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down
fire engine, operated by these Norwegian's, passed
all the newer sleek engines parked outside the
plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the
Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegian
old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire
with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norsk old timers had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully
announced that for such a superhuman feat he was
upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to
personally thank each of the brave, though elderly,
Norsk fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you
going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire
chief, "da furst ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes
on dat focking truck
Little Johnny's next door neighbor went to see a psychiatrist. "The other day," the woman said, "I happened to see my daughter and the little boy next door both naked, examining each other's bodies."
"Well, that's not unusual," smiled the psychiatrist, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that."
"But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my daughter's husband."
A reporter heads out west to write about a small town of sheep herders. When he arrives, he finds that all the men in the town have realtions with the sheep.
"You guys disgust me", he says. He stays though, and writes about the town.
After some months, he finds himself horny and of course, there are no women around, he decides he'll try one of the sheep.
He finds a nice one, and takes it back to his room and cleans it up. He pus a nice bow on it, and then has his way.
It seems that he really liked it.
After it was over, he decides to do like the other men in the town and take the sheep down to the saloon and have a couple of drinks.
When he walks into the bar, all eyes turn to him and all the men in the room fall silent. They just stare at him.
"What are you staring at", he shouts. "I didn't do anything you all haven't done a hundred times before".
One guy in the back speaks up and says, "Yeah, but that there's the sheriff's gal".
A LADY walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
"That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
THREE old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, opened his trench coat and exposed himself.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
And then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, being older and feebler, bless her heart, couldn't reach that far.
DID you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.
A 15-year-old boy walks into a bar and asks the waitress for a beer.
"Yeah right, kid. You wanna get me in trouble?"
"Maybe later, babe; right now I just want a beer."
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth!"
The dentist looks surprised and says, "Sir, I think you need a psychiatrist, not a dentist."
"Yeah, I know," replies the man.
Even more confused, the dentist asks, "Well then why did you come in here?"
"The light was on."
A man is driving far out in the bush in Australia. A kangaroo suddenly shoots past his car and is chased by a running man. The man flying tackles the kangaroo, pulls it down to the road and has sex with it. Horrified, the driver pulls off at a small settlement and goes into the bar/general store, and while waiting for service sees a one legged man in the corner furiously jerking off.
The bartender comes over and the guy buys a beer, then he asks the bartender, "what the hell is going on around here? On the road I saw a man run incredibly fast to capture and have sex with a kangaroo, then I walk in here and see a one-legged man jerking off in the corner?"
"'ell he sure couldn't catch a kangaroo with one leg, now, could he?" says the bartender.
A woman notices the man sitting next to her sneeze and then unzip his pants and towel off his privates. Amazingly 10 seconds later the same thing happens.
"What are you doing?
"I have a rare condition that causes me to orgasm when ever I sneeze"
"what sort of medication are you taking for that?"
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks "Are you good at doing tattoos of celebrities?"
The guy says, "Sure, I'm pretty good. What do you want done?"
The lady says, "I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh."
"No problem," says the artist. "Take your pant off and get up on the table."
After a couple of hours, he finishes, and she sits up and examines the tattoos.
"That doesn't look like either of them!" she complains.
"Sure it does," he says, "and I'll prove it to you." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find, who happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks the drunk, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "Well, I'm not too sure who the other two are, but the guy in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"
A Chinese couple are getting hot and heavy in bed when the man whispers to his wife, "I want 69."
She sits up in bed confused and says, "Why you want beef & broccoli now?"
A pedophile and a little girl are walking into the woods at dusk. The little girl looks up at him and says, "I'm scared."
The pedophile says, "You're scared? I've got to walk out of here alone!"
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
A bloke rings in sick to his workplace
His boss asks "How sick are you", To which he replies " well i`m in bed with my sister right now".
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A nervous man sits in the hospital waiting room as the doctor walks in holding a tiny baby wrapped in a blanket. "Mr. Jones, it's time to meet your new son."
The man stands up with a big smile, tears of joy and happiness well up in his eyes. It is the most wonderful moment of his life. As they walk toward each other the doctor stumbles and drops the baby on the hard waiting room floor.
"Oh my god!" the father cries, "What have you done!?!? That's my baby!"
"Relax," says the doctor. "I was just messing with you. He was stillborn."
guy at a bar sees this really cute girl, and decides he's going to make a move on her. He starts a little conversation when all of a sudden the girl yells out "NO! I will not sleep with you!" Embarassed, the man retreats to the back of the bar.
A few minutes later, the girl reappears and says "Sorry, I'm a psychology student, and I was just examining what your reaction would be, can I buy you a drink?"
The guy loudly exclaims "WHAT DO YOU MEAN TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?"
So, this bum walks into the bar. The bartender sees him coming, and pretty much knows what to expect, but as the bum draws close, the bartender sees a look of hungry desparation on his face that is deeper and more profound than he can remember in twenty odd years of bartending.
"You gotta help me out, brother. I need a shot of whiskey," the bum says.
"Sorry, not tonight," the bartender says.
With an unholy light shining from his eyes, the wino clutches the bar and says, "Please... I'll... I'll do anything you ask, but I _need_ a shot of whiskey."
The bartender's eyebrows go up a bit, and he looks around the bar. "Anything I ask? Okay, then," he says, pointing at the most foul, over-filled and under-cleaned spitoon in the history of seedy bars and chewin' tobacco. "You take a drink out of that, there spitoon, and I'll give you your shot of whiskey."
To his credit, some last vestige of pride or dignity must have remained inside him, for the bum stopped for a half a second, but finally, the need got the better of him. He marched over to the end of the bar, picked up the spitoon, and without even cleaning off the edge, he tilted it up and proceeded to fill the bar with the gut-wrenching sound of glug-glug-glug-glug-glug-glug-glug as he drained the contents of that vile pot.
The bartender put a shot of whiskey on the bar, and when he finally found himself able to speak again, he said, "Damn, sir. I said you only had to take one sip!"
"I did," the bum said. "The rest was connected."
Guy goes into a bar and says "Hundred dollars that this octopus can play any musical instrument you give him". The bartender gives the octopus a saxophone and is amazed to hear a soulful blues number. So the bartender points to the piano in the corner, and the octopus plays a flawless Brahms piano concerto.
The bartender then hauls out some bagpipes and gives them to the octopus. After five minutes of furious struggle, not a note has come from the bagpipes. The octopus' owner leans over and whispers "Quit messing around and play the damn thing!"
"Play it?" says the octopus. "Soon as I get its pyjamas off I'm going to fark it!"
A guy goes into an adult shop to buy an inflatable woman.
"Muslim or christian" asks the clerk
"What's the diffence" asks the man
"The muslim one blows itself up"
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.
Why did the blonde go to church?
Because she heard there was a guy there hung like this *spread arms wide*
What's the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bath?
One has hope in her soul...